Victor e Perez
***THE SCREAMM PROJECT VIDEO SERIES***
Featuring Victor e Perez, a musician. a filmmaker. a writer. <3
This is The Screamm Project, a global campaign that brings together a collective of diverse individuals to express their truth through vulnerability by sharing experiences of overcoming obstacles through ART, COLLABORATION, and EXPRESSION to drive the future of ending depression.
My name is Victor e Perez, and I make music under the name Elly Kedward Band.
I've had multiple iterations of who I thought I was and what it was that I represented. That's the funny thing about people: we are so damn susceptible to change, then at the same time, we're the most resilient, stubborn creatures on the planet. That's funny... right?
All humor aside, I've learned that everyone has a place in the world, whether it's being a lawyer, a wife or husband, a member of a church, a sponsor, hell-- just being a decent person to name a few. What I'm saying is we all fit somewhere, whether we know it now or not.
I'm a musician. I'm a filmmaker. I'm a writer. These things I've always known.
I've always been fascinated with the fact that we live in a world of duality, and without darkness, and without Negativity, we would NEVER know good, and we would never know the beauty of Positivity and Love. Taking those ideas, I tend to attribute myself with the darker aspects of this world, but not in a negative manner;
It's like I'm walking through a tunnel filled of Darkness that no one wants to go through, and I end up coming out the other end with bits and pieces of Light that were caked onto the walls, no one possibly knowing these things could ever exist in such dark, hateful and erosive places.
Nobody likes to feel those dark, uncomfortable feelings, but maybe I've spent so much time in those tunnels, that it's just easier for me to explore them without getting lost, and I can come out with Light and Love to share with the world. A certain light and love that appears differently, darker, but true, and honest.
A Warrior (-) of Peace (+). I heard that somewhere and it stuck with me.
However, that thought process can also become very dangerous if mishandled, and in my ways of thinking how the Universe works, I should have foreseen the storm that was headed my way.
I spent so much time wallowing in my depression, and at the lowest point seeking it, eventually finding comfort and solace in my sadness. Those habits grew and formed quickly into even worse habits that involved poisoning my body and mind, sinking into the lowest territories I could possibly find.
I've struggled with depression for about 13 years, trying to stay sober made the struggle that much harder.
I spent a year in hiding, not ever leaving the house because I was too afraid of the mountain of negativity I had accumulated, just cringingly believing that the second I were to leave the house, a meteor falls from the sky and obliterates me. Or the neighbor's dog mysteriously develops an unknown disease and escapes and bites me and kills me. If you can think of the most absolutely bizarre and unrealistically insane way to perish violently, I can bet you a million dollars I thought it and obsessed over it to the point of no return.
In a moment of "red" as I refer to, I attempted to end my life. The thought lasted less than a split second, but that's the funny thing about seconds: it only takes one to either make the greatest decision of your life, or the absolute worst.
My first hospitalization was in 2006 at St. Lukes' Behavioral Center. After that, I spent the next ten years in and out of various mental health centers, being admitted every few years as certain life events unfolded. The last hospitalization was in 2017. There, I experienced a pivotal moment in my physical, mental and emotional psyche. In retrospect, being admitted and getting the help I needed is the only reason I'm able to sit here today with an open mind. An open mind to change my thought process when necessary, to change my actions and behaviors, to change how I want to perceive the world. I own that power now, and it's like knowing the deepest secrets of the universe, and I don't ever want to give up that feeling.
I gave up real-life relationships with friends, family, friends who are more than family, for 12 hours of artificial happiness every other weekend. Temporary, fleeting happiness that appeared out of nowhere like magic, blooming in smoke and mirrors of deception. Looking back, I'm torn with ambivalence because I'm so mortified and at the same time, so glad that everything happened the way it did. For whatever reason, everything had to play out this way, and instead of fighting the questions like 'Why?’, I just want to let go of elements that hold me back because I spent so much time trying to control those elements, and that's ultimately a waste of time now since it's impossible to control everything in life. I can be free now.
Now, I'm in a new place where I can step back and reflect on the life choices that I made, analyze with better judgment, with a clean headspace to sort my thoughts more clearly.
Meditation/Reflection is a key staple in my life now, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel regardless of how dark and scary things get. It's always there, and that's a security I'm gratfeul to have.
I'm able to focus my time and energy on more important things, like utilizing my creativity and love for the arts to make music that reflects the pain we all feel and experience, but don't ever want to talk about. I'm capable of taking video and manipulating it in a way that evokes emotion and inspires others to think about things they normally wouldn't, or paint a pretty picture in the mind of a friend that makes them feel something good.
I'm able to leave the house now, go on walks with my best bud, Shorty, and not be afraid of the unknown that will always be there. The unknown that will never be able to escape from.
I'm able to care for people again, and not just selfish tendencies and addictions. Life has shown me that this is what I'm meant to be while I'm still here. It was just a matter of making the decision to actually believe that.
A professional amateur Artist. One foot in the Light, one foot in the Dark. Learning the balance of things one day at a time.
That's the funny thing about time: it's not actually real, but the effects of it very much are.
After reading the Hunger Games books, the character of Katniss Everdeen really inspired me. She's a young, stubborn girl with a reputation for being extremely rough around the edges and for the most part unfriendable, yet she still cares deeply for people and the larger scope of humanity. That felt like an exact summation of who I was at the time, and from that I was able to find peace with myself, eventually letting go of a lot of anger I held onto, and allowing myself to find new places in my mind to explore.
If you were able to walk into a room filled with my inspirations, you would find Amanda Palmer lyrics written all over the walls. There'd be movie theater sized posters of all the Sofia Coppola films that have moved and transformed the way I see and tackle filmmaking. There'd be an old record player in the corner with Juliette Lewis' Terra Incognita album, or Nelly Furtado's Whoa, Nelly! waiting to dance around the needle.
Women have always been the forefront of much of my inspiration, and I believe women will have an even stronger place in the arts in the future, taking executive positions and actions, leading us to more peace and equality, and representing those ideas in the art we have yet to create.
Thanks for letting me share my story with you.
Also, I love Fonzie.
…if you’re not a FRIENDS fan, then you’re not gonna get that joke.
"The Cannonball" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BHPVEa7Hbs
"75th Ave & Indian School" - https://www.youtube.com/watch…
'Full band' version of Hope:
Victor e Perez
Elly Kedward Band